


so yes, i bite the bait that is called pain

by meananimagus



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 12:35:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18571636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meananimagus/pseuds/meananimagus
Summary: life is all about pain.





	so yes, i bite the bait that is called pain

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta-ed

it's like walking through a bottomless path with no set destination ahead, perhaps, not even a narrow end is visible, awaiting. he steps, steps and steps, strides more endless steps, the path can't seem to stop, he can't seem to stop. probably, because once he did, once he attempted to take a rest, or even commit just a momentary halt, the path will vanish, disappear or worse, the path will compress unrelentlessly, squeezing him in, leaving him no space left to breathe, suffocating him, until he would be left drowning in nothing else but air.

its like trying to stay underwater gearless, with a rope tied around his frail ankles, a huge anchor pulling his feet down from the other end, slowly, tormenting, mercilessly dragging him down the infinite water, dark and terrifying. his skinny limbs wailing but with no use. because he's all alone. no one will see him. no one will save him.

loving changbin is a hard labor. difficult, painful. it sucks all the emotions out of felix's being, draining him until he can no longer give away any piece of himself because he has nothing left. for him, loving changbin hurts, like fire against bare skin, burning him alive. like needles prickling bones. like hell. however, the most painful part there is seems to be that despite all the trembling lips that refuses to let out a sob, despite the breaking of his heart after his chest felt like it has been ripped apart, despite the unrequited yet unconditional feelings he has, felix still keeps on going, he still, madly loves changbin with everything he has, with everything he can offer and everything he can't but will work hard to provide because he's willing to do anything for the man he loves. even if he can't. he's stupid and changbin is an idiot who doesn't even know.

felix loves the rain. when the cold drops lands against his face, soaking his lashes and brows and gives his eyes shade, gives him concealment, gives him protection. the drops hiding the endless tears dripping down his cheeks, falling down among the rain to the cemented cold streets.

felix loves the rain whenever he spots changbin with hyunjin, the latter's arms around the older, squeezing him tight against his chest, with so much love. it's painful. and his heart might break into million pieces when changbin buries his face against hyunjin's neck, hugging the taller man just as tight.

felix loves the dark. the darkness of the world when it strikes midnight. the calm and silence. the loneliness. he loves the dark whenever it gives him the freedom to stare at the sleeping face of changbin, out of everyone's sight, without the older's knowledge. he loves it when nighttime arrives and changbin comes home to him. slips beside him, and sleeps like he's on his bed, as if his own isn't empty cold from the other corner of the room.

felix loves the pain.

felix loves the pain that comes from loving someone who doesn't feel the same way towards him and would never do, who doesn't even have the slightest idea of how his heart breaks everytime changbin does so much as flash a small smile at him, knowing to himself it's nothing but friendly, platonic, because that's all they ever will be. everytime changbin touches him, holds his hand, his gaze soft, maybe as soft as how an older brother looks at his siblings. tragic.

felix never wants to let people know. never wants to let changbin know. he doesn't want anyone finding out. he can live with the pain, alone. if he can't, he'd rather take his feelings to death buried with him. but as long as no one knows, he's certain to himself, it's fine. it's alright. everything is going to be okay.

no one wants to love someone like felix anyway. and no one wants to be loved by him either.

a broken boy. depressive, suicidal, a boy who's long been lost his own self, who has the highest tendency of jumping off a bridge or hanging himself whenever an opportunity comes. no one wants someone like him. shattered, lost, eternally damaged. like a curse, a waste of space, a burden. that even a dust matters more than he does. in his entire life, his parents made sure he knew that.

they made certain that felix knows he doesn't deserve to be loved, nor to love.

"you're thinking again." chan spoke beside him, breaking his endless flow of thoughts, saving him, like he always does, before he completely drowns in his sea of demons.

"i can't not think." felix mumbled. somehow guilty for being caught red-handed, for always breaking his promise to chan to let the older know whenever those moments come to him. he feels more like a burden. a bother. for always worrying chan when the older should focus on himself instead because felix doesn't matter, he isn't worth wasting time for, especially when it's chan's.

"felix, you're worth it." chan's voice slightly broke at the end of the sentence, his eyes looking straight at felix's own, teary, pained, like it's breaking him that the younger thinks so low about himself. felix doesn't even know he thought out loud and he gets mad at himself for the way chan is reacting.

"you're goddamn worthy of my time, of everyone's. you matter so much to me that it hurts when you do that." chan has started crying, and felix hates himself even more. for the tears his hyung wastes for him. felix averts his gaze, suddenly pouring his undivided attention towards his worn-out sneakers.

"hyung, do you think it's gonna snow tomorrow?" he noticed chan deflate, sighing, upset. felix acknowledges the fact that he's an absolute asshole. but he doesn't know how to make things right. he's sorry for being the way he is and he doesn't have a slightest idea of how to say just how apologetic he is. for being himself. for existing.

"tonight. the forecast said the first snow will start at seven." chan reached out to his fiddling fingers, squeezing them comfortingly before springing up from the couch. felix lifts his gaze up, receiving chan's unspoken message which just breaks his heart more.

'i'll never leave you behind'

it hasn't even been half an hour since chan left his side when someone else plopped at the barely abandoned spot, arms and legs taking up most of the spaces for being spread apart so widely, making the person look like a starfish. their right elbow resting over felix's chest while their right thigh on top of his lap.

"let's stay here until seven and let's watch the snow together, freckles." felix never showed it but the endearment causes a pinch against his heart everytime it comes out from a particular person's lips, that person currently occupying the space beside him.

"why?" 'why me? why not someone else?' it's almost crushing, how every feelings he has for changbin wants to spill over but felix wouldn't let them go. wouldn't let them known. wouldn't let them out in the open.

"`wanna see it with you."

seo changbin. the holder of his frail heart. how much he enjoys the pain that comes along with loving him.

"i've always wanted to see it with you. i've always dreamed of you, under the snow, beside me." changbin turned to look at him, and he's caught staring but the former either didn't care or didn't notice.

"you remind me of snow flakes, they look so beautiful in you." changbin brushes a thumb against his cheeks, and below his eyes, tracing the little dots littering his skin.

felix lets out a half-assed huff, turning away. his heartbeats going crazy mad.

"snow flakes are cold, makes people sick. snow is dangerous, causes accidents in the streets. and snow doesn't last long. they melt, they disappear. as if they were never there in the first place."

changbin's soft gaze glistens. for the second time, felix did that. he hurt people. he makes people cry. people that are important to him. he fucking despises himself.

changbin pulled felix's collar, burying his crying face against the boy's neck. sniffling audibly and felix does nothing but press a small kiss to the older's temple.

he stares ahead, catching chan's worried gaze, rather pitiful, sympathizing. felix hates it. he hates more the soundless words his hyung mouthed towards him.

'we love you'

he's seen himself in this situation quite a lot of times already. his feet bare, pressed above the cold surface of the bridge's ledge. wind blowing against his skin. the night peaceful, and he's alone.

'just one step closer, felix. you're almost there'

a single step is all it takes.

it's exhilarating. how ready he is to put an end to everything. things that needed to stop. his life.

he stares up at the starless sky, even the moon is not visible.

'maybe they don't think it's worth their time watching you die.'

he bitterly laughs to himself, spreading his arms as if welcoming the cold breeze to freeze him and make him numb.

"am i going to be a star when i die?" he asks. the cold air swishes through his messy hair. felix flashes a smile, a lone tear falling from his eye. he blinked twice before shutting his eyes completely, letting the wind take him as he slanted his body forward, ready to fall.

his body doesn't land in the cold water like how he anticipated though, instead he crashed on top of a warm body, enveloping him tight.

felix trashed, miserably, in regret, maybe relief. he almost died. almost.

another pair of hands cradled his hair, murmuring words he can barely understand because he's wailing, his cries the only sound he can hear along with the broken sobs his savior makes.

"come on, let's take you home."

home.

"i love you."

felix wakes up to those three words, and a warm hand cupping his cheek in the gentlest way possible.

"i don't know what i'd do if you died there, not even hearing me tell you i love you." changbin broke, his face fell and tears flowed. his hand now gripping felix's arms, with no plans of letting go, as if he's scared the younger is going to slip away from his grasp, again.

"don't."

"too late." changbin leaned closer, pressing his cold trembling lips against his chapped bleeding ones.

would a kiss fix him? would changbin's love repair everything that's broken in him? it's not even nearly possible. felix is aware of that.

"i'm still gonna die. sooner or later. i'll leave." felix whispered against the other's lips. he can't pull away. he doesn't want to.

"i'd die with you."

"this isn't fucking romeo and juliet, changbin hyung." he chuckled painfully. his heart wanting to swell but everything going on seems too good to be true for him. he doesn't wanna believe. doesn't wanna get hopeful.

"this can be anything we want it to be, felix." changhin kisses him again. both of their tears now flowing, they can almost taste them.

"you can't leave me. i won't let you."

maybe. no one knows. a kiss obviously doesn't heal pain, a kiss doesn't fix broken soul, a kiss doesn't save someone who's long been dead. but maybe, changbin can make it work. make it hurt less.

changbin loves him. maybe he'd live dealing with the pain easier. maybe he'd rather feel the pain as long as he has the person he loves the most with him.

love makes him hopeful, for once.


End file.
